Questions I Want Answers To: What is KFC smoking?

Let’s all take a short stroll down memory lane. It was right about this time last year, at the beginning of May, when fast-fried chicken purveyor, KFC, pushed a huge promotion to get everyone in the Free Known Universe 2 free(!) pieces of brand-spanking new Kentucky Grilled Chicken. Of course, they ended up postponing said promotion until slightly later in the year, fearing that the run on free chicken would leave nothing but a sea of trampled cardboard stand-ups of everyone’s favorite white-suited anachronistic icon and a host of catatonic employees needing therapy for post traumatic stress disorder.

So, anyway, sometime later, consumers were given the opportunity to redeem their vouchers for free grilled chicken because KFC legitimately wanted people to give this new grilled option a shot. For years, the company had been trying to shed the image that their patrons were destined for an early and cholesterol-clogged grave because Fried Chicken Is Clearly Evil. Finally, roughly a year ago, they released this new-fangled grilled variant of chicken, which they contended, was still as juicy and flavorful as the good-old death assuring fried stuff.

I’d like to take this opportunity to admit that I have so far avoided the technologically conceived bird. Fried chicken is probably not the world’s healthiest stuff, sure, but the last time I grilled chicken, it wasn’t mahogany and didn’t release “juice” like a punctured sponge. And lest you wonder, my skills at grilling a breast o’ chicken are not insubstantial, to which the Puddinette will readily attest. So, then, I’m of the opinion that the fried stuff, while not something I’m gonna shove down my pie hole daily, is at least mostly natural; I can reproduce it in my own home. This “grilled” stuff? I sense an unholy pact with the Devil.

So, Traditional Fried = deadly, while New Grilled = (sorta) healthy; are you with me so far? KFC wants you, the consumer, to believe that they offer healthy choices too, not just the Arterial-Clogging Chicken of Doom. With that idea in mind, can someone please explain which marketing genius decided to chuck all of the last year’s philosophical capital by creating and pimping this catastrophe? Seriously, the Double Down “Sandwich” has to be the fastest marketing back-pedal since Bill Cosby tried to convince me that New Coke was a good thing, and a month later was almost begging people to go buy to Coca-Cola Classic. Oh, and by the way, that thing does NOT qualify as a sandwich regardless of what you put on a menu board.

We all think fondly of the Colonel, because we love his chicken, in all its deep fried glory. In moderation, it’s no more dangerous than walking in a street. What we don’t need is fancy marketing gimmicks or The Sandwich That Wasn’t a Sandwich. We all love the memory of Harland Sanders, the very essence of the Southern Gentleman, because he had integrity and just wanted us to enjoy his fried chicken. So please, KFC, honor his memory; just give me 11 herbs and spices, extra crispy, and keep the BS to a minimum.

Pud’n