Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. Doe,

It has come to the attention of this Fitness/Spa/Health Club-type establishment that you were recently witnessed engaging in the act of Locker Room Streaking. According to the by-laws of Basic Human Decency, Locker Room Streaking (LRS) is defined as “the act of moving freely about a shared locker/dressing area with no apparent haste while proudly displaying one’s full nude form with a complete and utter lack of any discretion whatsoever”.

We would have hoped it go without saying that his practice is frowned up not only here, but in just about any other location you may find yourself on the face of planet Earth.

In an effort to further clarify the understanding of reasonable, decent people everywhere, we’d like to illustrate a few key points relevant to the guideline stated above:

  1. Contrary to your apparent personal beliefs, no one wants to see your junk.

    2. No, it doesn’t matter how fine you think you are, God gave you parts that no one should be subject to besides your parents and, potentially, loved ones. No one here is either – cover that stuff.

  2. Real, live, post-workout, post-shower “junk” is not attractive, even on airbrushed Super Models, and trust me here, you are not an airbrushed Super Model.
  3. There is no known shortage of wool, and towel production facilities are continually manufacturing excellent quality linens capable of covering your…parts.

    4. Seriously, take that white fluffy thing off your head and wrap it around yourself…they’ll give you another one, Scout’s Honor.

So please, in the interest of preventing good people everywhere from having the image of your marginally maintained naughty bits seared permanently into their brains, cover your damn self whenever leaving the shower area.

Also, in addition to our “this isn’t your bedroom, so no naked strolling” policy, we would also like to offer these few handy reminders to make everyone’s post-workout dressing experience more pleasant:

  1. If your locker neighbor is seated on a bench, bent over, tying his or her shoe, please wait an additional moment or two before dropping that towel when reaching your locker. Nothing says “surprise!” like finishing up a loop-loop-swirl shoelace routine and then lifting one’s head and being greeted at eye-level by a complete stranger’s “baby maker”.
  2. Dressing rooms are full of mirrors, and mirrors reflect other mirrors. Just because no one is looking directly at you, that doesn’t mean no one is seeing you (see item 3 above regarding towels).
  3. Anatomical “privates” are not the only objectionable thing found when undressed. Many of us belong to a fitness organization expressly because, well, we need some damned fitness. Our shared dressing rooms are no place for a Jello commercial, so don’t be slapping anything to watch it wiggle or see it jiggle.

We greatly appreciate your assistance in keeping our club beautiful by covering your a%! up. Your compliance with these guidelines will not only ensure that all of our members continue to enjoy their fitness/health club experience, but also that no one needs to contact Sargent Taylor down at the precinct, who has been itching to make a stop in since he got an unexpected eyeful last week.

Sincerely,

The Executive Board

[Author’s note: many thanks to a friend who actually was the victim of an LRS experience earlier this week. We’re all praying for a quick recovery, but the damage can be quite scarring!]