Maybe a few green bowler hats for the good Irishmen from Centauri-Prime?

If I was asked once if I’d enjoyed myself a green beer yesterday, I was asked a thousand times. To put this as plainly as possible: I do NOT like green beer.

I see the scratching of heads and quizzical looks; I can hear the thought spinning around out there, noisily, like tennis shoes in the dryer. “Puddin,” you think, “how can you not like St. Patrick’s Day? It’s a holiday dedicated to the consumption of adult beverages, perhaps even to excess. You like excess. You especially seem to like to consume beer. So, what the hell? This day was made for you!”

The thing is, I definitely dig me some St. Patrick’s Day. I do very much enjoy the consumption of malt-based beverages, and yes, I believe a little excess can be a wonderful thing, in responsible moderation, of course. Also, any holiday where one might enjoy a beer in the middle of a weekday afternoon with little more admonishment than the look of reproach a grandmother gives her 10 year-old grandson when he’s caught with one hand in the cookie jar and the other holding a live toad is something I greet with a hearty click of the “Like” link.

I also very much enjoy that crazy people go at bars at 6 o’clock in the damned morning to get a jump on Irish-themed revelry. Roosters don’t get up to be at the bar at 6:00 am. This is the strictly the sort of activity where you say to yourself as you cross the pub’s threshold, “What kind of maniac gets up this early for a pint? This is some intense foolishness I’ve gotten myself into here.”

I wouldn’t jump off a bridge if the other neighborhood kids did it, but doing something solely because other people might give me funny looks equals “Sign me up!”

At any rate, I never claimed I didn’t like the holiday in question; a thousand times Yes to St. Patrick’s Day! What I don’t like is green beer. I believe I’ve made my position on the “major” beers well known: I feel they are largely tasteless, or worse, taste bad, and are produced mostly by large multinational corporations that are actually marketing firms much more than they are brewers. The board room is a bad place to work out beer recipes.

So, yes, in general, I’m biased against these beers. Dying them green, then, in an effort to make them more thematically relevant for a holiday makes less sense to me than having pinky toes. I thought the idea here was to celebrate all things Irish, not take decidedly un-Irish things, slap a coat of green color on ’em and push them upon a flock of sad college boys who’re just too dumb to know any better.

Repeat after me: coloring something green does not suddenly make it an homage to the Irish. I have a metallic gray Honda Accord; if I paint it green, it’s not amazingly transformed into The Leprechaun-Mobile. Aliens are green, right? Well, who the hell knew they were Irish? Get those bug-eyed bastards a shamrock and a “Kiss me I’m Irish” button!

St. Patrick’s Day is supposed to be a fun day that revels in all things Irish, and trust me, there are plenty of wonderful Irish beers in which to revel. Drinking green beer isn’t just annoying because it’s crappy beer kinda dressed up, it’s irksome because it says, “Hi, I’m an amateur looking for an excuse to get plastered before 11 am, and this holiday business is WAY convenient!” So do me a favor, if you’re planning to meet your pals at the pub at 6 am on March 17th next year, do it for the right reasons. Do it because you’d like to show a little honor to the Emerald Isle. Order yourself a nice pint of Guinness, and maybe I’ll send one your way.

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