I’ve apparently earned myself a sinus infection and I am not happy about it. Warm weather colds irk the snot out of me, (indeed, a terrible pun), and make me wonder what karmic transgressions I’ve recently committed. Sure, I could chalk it up to allergies or microbes, but I prefer to think that it’s more likely the Fates enacting a cruel punishment for mocking that bus full of seniors headed for their Excursion Day Dinner to Golden Corral at 3:30 PM, Tuesday afternoon.
The thing is, a fella can’t avoid the germs without a paranoid bath of anti-bacterial lotion every time someone passes his cubicle; I’m pretty sure bubbles are for bathtubs, not habitation. Karma, though, can, in theory, be more effectively controlled without living like a complete head case. It is way easier to just not make fun of Evil Mayo Sandwich Lady, or, God forbid, be kind and help her place a tasty order that isn’t a travesty, than it is to prevent personal contact with potential contagion, effectively reducing one’s life to hermit-like reclusion.
As I’m clearly the very definition of a social butterfly, living in hermit-like reclusion would
so cramp my lifestyle.
So, what’s a guy to do when he’s stricken with an undesirable sinus infection? Clearly, drugs are the answer; many and often. I personally have a firm belief in Sudafed (pseudoephedrine). Unfortunately, though, some terribly clever miscreant realized that you could cook it up with some other incredibly dangerous stuff and produce a controlled substance. What this means to your common everyday congestion sufferer is that now he has to submit to a background check and sign on to some Federal Drug Suspicion List (which I suspect the government is selling to “Nigerian princes” who want me to help them get 2.7 million US dollars into the country from offshore banks).
And if you don’t want the FBI to know that you’re buying drug-making chemicals to make meth? Well, you could always buy the new alternate cold meds, Sudafed PE, which comes over the counter and is made with Phenylephrine HCI. Personally, I’m of the opinion that with a few doses of this new concoction and a week in bed, you’ll be right as rain. Of course, the week in bed will probably accomplish that alone, so I guess the phenylephrine is largely optional. In other words, I don’t find it very effective in relieving congestion. If you take it with a few cups of coffee, though, it might keep you awake.
With all this inconvenience, I’m hopeful that our misguided inventor is now spending his days in a charming 8×12 “Felon Efficiency” provided by the Department of Corrections that combines a bedroom, study, and master bath and has neutral colors throughout. In other words, I hope he sleeps two feet from a stainless steel toilet, has a roommate called Fluffy (who so isn’t), and panics when he drops his soap-on-a-rope.
I guess I shouldn’t complain about Sudafed, though; if I toned down the snark-factor, perhaps I wouldn’t get a head full of phelgm. But then I don’t know what I’d write about, so I guess I should get used to the sinus problems. Do you see what I go through for you people?