QIWAT: Five important questions about kid’s shows

  1. Why doesn’t Caillou have hair?

    I’ve been pondering this one for awhile, and it just simply defies understanding. Caillou is a sweet, pleasant, theoretically four year-old kid, yet he’s as bald a baby’s bottom. So what gives? After considerable thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that his lack of hair is the result of one of two things: either the poor boy has had a nasty run of lice, or Canadian kids are just hairless by nature. Admittedly, I don’t know any Canadian kids, but you’d sure think they wouldn’t be so quick to play hockey with heads like a cue ball. 

  2. Where does Handy Manny get his tools?

    Handy Manny is a well-intentioned handy man of Latino descent. He has a whole box full of sentient tools:

    • Pat, the hammer
    • Dusty, the saw
    • Stretch, the tape measure
    • Felipe, the Phillips head screwdriver
    • Turner, the flat head screwdriver
    • Squeeze, the pliers
    • Rusty, the wrench
    • Flicker, the flashlight

    So where do these fantastic, self-aware tools come from? Is Manny some practitioner of ancient and forbidden magicks capable of create living tools, or binding the souls of the dead to existing ones to do his bidding? I don’t know, but if not, how come you can’t get a hammer like that at Sears? Surely Craftsman wants in on the Self-Striking Autonomous Hammer craze. Of course, if Manny’s secret gets out, and everyone gets his/her own set of living tools, well, there won’t be much need for the Mannys of the world, will there? 

  3. Shouldn’t Bob’s equipment unionize?

    Seriously, Bob the Builder is running some kind of operation there. He goes about town doing construction projects and generally being Johnny-on-the-spot for just about anyone who offers him a “good day”, but really, who’s doing all the work? That’s right, his bickering set of equipment trucks. They really need to put their differences aside long enough to realize that they guy is working them day and night for nothing more than a shed to sleep in while he builds an empire of wealth and power. It’s worse than being indentured. If they put together a strike though, and all that revenue dries up, you can bet his little strumpet assistant/girlfriend Wendy will be on him to settle things with the workers before labor issues cut into her jewelry, shoe, and martini budget.

  4. Who made Sir Topham Hatt cock of the walk?

    Sir Topham Hatt, the Superintendent of the Railway, has been running the rail lines on the Island of Sodor for as long as I can remember. But can anyone tell me exactly from where his authority originates? He carries that “Sir” around like a talisman, but to my knowledge, there’s never been a King or Queen spotted on the island. Who knighted him, then? And who appointed him the despotic power that he so freely lords over those poor trains? Confusion and delay, indeed!

  5. Shouldn’t Dora’s parents being under investigation by Child Protective Services?

    Honestly, this one is the most concerning. Dora, and to an even great extent her cousin Diego, are effectively sent out in the wilds alone on a daily basis. Dora is tasked with ridiculous quests, such as finding a way to make the Grumpy Old Troll do his Happy Dance, given guidance only from a sadistic talking Map, and sent on her way with no supervision beyond a boot-wearing monkey. So this young girl spends her days crossing the Angry Forest, sailing the River of Doom, and fixing the old Busted Bridge, or whatever other outlandish thing she’s told she must accomplish. Sure, she has a home and parents, but apparently they’re fine with the fact that their young daughter traverses the countryside regularly at the behest of a talking “Map”. It seems to me that either they’re trying to get her out of the house to cook up the daily batch of meth, or they need to talk about just saying “No”, even if it means saying adios to her myriad of talking object friends.

Yes, I am a terrible person.