Bucking the President’s Day tradition

I should probably take this opportunity to wish a happy President’s Day my flocks of adoring, err, extremely tolerant readers. So, then, Happy President’s Day. I hope everyone observed the holiday in the usual and accepted fashion, by purchasing a mattress at a reduced price! Tell me, how did your mattress shopping go?

We didn’t buy a mattress today, although we should have. I’ve been complaining about our mattress for the better part of three years now. For some reason, it was fine and dandy when the Puddinette and I first exchanged vows. I’d wake every morning, refreshed, renewed, and ready to face the day. But now, well, I can only assume that because I’m getting old I’ve lost some fundamentally key flexibility quotient. That must be why three out of every five days I more roll out than rise up from bed and creak and groan like a septuagenarian cowboy who just spent an evening on a patch of cattle trail in the rain.

So, yes, we probably should have spent our President’s Day shopping for a comfy new mattress. But we didn’t, because, well, nobody wants to buy a mattress.

Why is that, exactly? How many people do you know that make a regular habit of running out and picking up a new Posture-Power or Magic Foam Numeral bed? Outside of situations where people just got married or just happened to get a new bed as part of a furniture suite (which necessitated a new mattress as well), I can think of only two occasions in my entire life when someone I know personally actually bought a mattress. One of my coworkers did it not too long ago, and my parents did it sometime in the not-so distant past.

Then again, I’m pretty sure the one my parents just replaced was close to my age, if not, in fact, older. So we can squarely place them in the “put off the new mattress for a while” camp.

So why does everyone drag their feet? Well, I suspect there are two reasons. First, have you looked at the price of those things? Holy crepes, I could buy several very entertaining electronic devices for the cash I’m going to end up dropping when we finally give up the putting it off. Sure, the bed is something I use every single day and has a much more significant impact on my daily outlook that an iPad probably would, but can you use a new mattress to play Angry Birds? Exactly.

The second reason I believe people procrastinate on mattress replacement is because of what it says about the owner. Namely, that sleep has become the most important activity he or she takes part in using that bed. Sure, sleep really is the most important, if not the most interesting, thing a person is likely to do on that mattress, but who wants to admit that to themselves? No, no, looking at a bed and finding yourself contemplating its potential for a good night’s rest is something that you don’t do until you’re middle aged, washed up, and exhausted on a daily basis.

Or you sound like Clint Eastwood’s character in “Unforgiven” every morning.

Which is exactly what I sound like most days when my alarm goes off.

I wonder how long those President’s Day sales prices will last.