I am quite sick of it, thank you very much. Indeed, I have had all I can take and if something doesn’t change very, very soon, I do believe I’m going to lose it altogether.
Seriously, this stupid cold/sinus/congestion thing I’ve had going for the better part of a week has gotten on my last damned nerve. I’d sell every last drop of beer in my fridge at this very moment if someone could give me something that would get rid of it.
The fact is that I feel like I’ve been trying to breathe through a ripe Swiss cheese for about a week, and I can’t take a breath and expel it without coughing. All the hacking I’ve done in an attempt to rid my chest of the…stuff…has me feeling like I just worked a 48-hour shift in the backroom of the Canine Card Sharks’ Bar and Billiards Hall. I’m half expecting to get a call from a talent agent at any minute with a contract to join the Camel Non-Filter All Stars, because, well, I sure sound like I belong on the team.
As a bonus, it turns out they’re not really that athletic as a team.
What’s worse is that to be completely honestly with you, I’m not even sure what kind of debilitating infirmity I’m talking about here. It could be a run-of-the-mill sinus infection, I suppose. I hear people talk about quick changes in weather bringing about that kind of thing and well, the weather in this town is roughly as stable as the world political climate at the moment. One day it might be 60 degrees here and the next Egypt, Libya, and US Midwest are staring down the barrel of revolution.
Then again, this thing might also just be a particularly nasty Common Cold brought about by some nefarious microorganism. I do have three kids in school, after all, which means they each spend the better part of every weekday surrounded by a host of snotty noses, open-air coughs, and unwashed hands. Let’s face it, that place is a bacterial Grand Central Station where millions of free-loading germs are just waiting for an opportunity to hitch-hike their way to my house whenever my kids accidentally step up inside Viral Vinny’s Swap-Meet and Flea Market.
And before you ask, yes, I’ve tried everything I can think of medicinally. I’ve taken doses and doses of DayQuil, NyQuil, NoonQuil, DawnQuil, DuskQuil, and even a dose or two of Next-Afternoon-Quil. I will admit that I haven’t’ yet tried the TwilightQuil, but only because I’m not ready to become a sparkly vampire. I’d almost certainly be okay with being turned into your standard, flares-into-a-dusty-pile-of-ash-in-sunlight vampire if it would get rid of the damned congestion. But if my choices are the angsty, shiny diamond type of blood-sucker and keeping the cold, I guess I’ll continue futilely popping Muscinex, orange juice, and whatever other snake oil I can get my hands on for a day or so more.
So I guess that means I haven’t hit bottom just yet. But this crap better go away soon because otherwise I’ll be planning a trip to Forks, Washington to beg any and every fiery-eyed person I happen to come across to let me take a big healthy bite out of them in hopes of becoming a member of the cold, pale and fangy set.
Either that or I’m going to have to get a job at a coffee shop as a sassy, white-haired woman named Mildred who works the lunch rush and takes no gruff from anyone, especially the cook. Sure, I’ll need a wig, but I figure I’ve already got the gravelly voice for the job.
What’ll it be, hon?