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Captain Congestion

I am quite sick of it, thank you very much. Indeed, I have had all I can take and if something doesn’t change very, very soon, I do believe I’m going to lose it altogether.

Seriously, this stupid cold/sinus/congestion thing I’ve had going for the better part of a week has gotten on my last damned nerve. I’d sell every last drop of beer in my fridge at this very moment if someone could give me something that would get rid of it.

The fact is that I feel like I’ve been trying to breathe through a ripe Swiss cheese for about a week, and I can’t take a breath and expel it without coughing. All the hacking I’ve done in an attempt to rid my chest of the…stuff…has me feeling like I just worked a 48-hour shift in the backroom of the Canine Card Sharks’ Bar and Billiards Hall. I’m half expecting to get a call from a talent agent at any minute with a contract to join the Camel Non-Filter All Stars, because, well, I sure sound like I belong on the team.

As a bonus, it turns out they’re not really that athletic as a team.

What’s worse is that to be completely honestly with you, I’m not even sure what kind of debilitating infirmity I’m talking about here. It could be a run-of-the-mill sinus infection, I suppose. I hear people talk about quick changes in weather bringing about that kind of thing and well, the weather in this town is roughly as stable as the world political climate at the moment. One day it might be 60 degrees here and the next Egypt, Libya, and US Midwest are staring down the barrel of revolution.

Then again, this thing might also just be a particularly nasty Common Cold brought about by some nefarious microorganism. I do have three kids in school, after all, which means they each spend the better part of every weekday surrounded by a host of snotty noses, open-air coughs, and unwashed hands. Let’s face it, that place is a bacterial Grand Central Station where millions of free-loading germs are just waiting for an opportunity to hitch-hike their way to my house whenever my kids accidentally step up inside Viral Vinny’s Swap-Meet and Flea Market.

And before you ask, yes, I’ve tried everything I can think of medicinally. I’ve taken doses and doses of DayQuil, NyQuil, NoonQuil, DawnQuil, DuskQuil, and even a dose or two of Next-Afternoon-Quil. I will admit that I haven’t’ yet tried the TwilightQuil, but only because I’m not ready to become a sparkly vampire. I’d almost certainly be okay with being turned into your standard, flares-into-a-dusty-pile-of-ash-in-sunlight vampire if it would get rid of the damned congestion. But if my choices are the angsty, shiny diamond type of blood-sucker and keeping the cold, I guess I’ll continue futilely popping Muscinex, orange juice, and whatever other snake oil I can get my hands on for a day or so more.

So I guess that means I haven’t hit bottom just yet. But this crap better go away soon because otherwise I’ll be planning a trip to Forks, Washington to beg any and every fiery-eyed person I happen to come across to let me take a big healthy bite out of them in hopes of becoming a member of the cold, pale and fangy set.

Either that or I’m going to have to get a job at a coffee shop as a sassy, white-haired woman named Mildred who works the lunch rush and takes no gruff from anyone, especially the cook. Sure, I’ll need a wig, but I figure I’ve already got the gravelly voice for the job.

What’ll it be, hon?

Pud’n

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4 comments on “Captain Congestion

  1. May I suggest….insert gasp here….a doctor??? Hope you get to feeling better Jason!

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  2. If it is in your chest, Mucinex will help. It will loosen stuff up and your coughs will be more productive. I use afrin, severe congestion spray for clogged up noses and it works well, especially to sleep without getting drunk on Nyquil.
    Good Luck!

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  3. Puddin: I know it sounds weird, and I didn’t believe it at first, either, but go try a Nettie Pot. Your problem is in the chest, right? But I see you’re trying different drugs like Mucinex and NyQuil and whatever else for the chest congestion. I think you’re just fighting multiple fronts with a generic medicine and you need to combat each symptom separately.

    Try taking some zinc and vitamin c, then hit the Nettie Pot once a day, in the morning… Then at night take the Mucinex and _maybe_ some NyQuil, but only if you can’t get to sleep.

    In reverse order, your body needs sleep, so the NyQuil will shut you down enough so you can rest. Mucinex will break up the congestion enough for your body to eliminate it. Nettie Pot will block your nasal cavities and sinuses from getting re-infected (also, it feels good and helps breathing). Vitamin C is an antioxidant and is just plain good for you. Zinc will help in the absorption of all this and will keep you warm. 😀

    **I am not a doctor, I just know a little bit about everything.

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