No good, shiftless lay-abouts

As a nation, Americans find themselves faced with what seems like an inordinate number of challenges at the present moment in history.  Gas prices are higher than my blood pressure, unemployment is hovering around 10%, Judgment Day is apparently May 21st, Charlie Sheen is being replaced by Ashton Kutcher on Two and a Half Men, and the McRib is out of season.  See, times are tough.

Of course, everyone has someone to blame for all this.  The Left blames the Right for giving all our money to either the military or big corporations who apparently burn it to heat their enormous buildings.  The Right, not to be outdone, blames the Left for being a bunch of unruly, bleeding-heart, profligate spenders who want to give buckets of their ill-gotten cash away to the poor along with free love, drugs, and medical care.

It’s sheer pandemonium, really.  But you know what?  Both sides are wrong, wrong, wrong.  It’s not the other side that’s the problem, it’s all of us, and that includes you, me, and the kid next door.  What mostly ails us nowadays is that we’re all just too damn lazy to do the things we’re supposed to do.

Take, for instance, a commercial I saw a few days ago during a Red’s game.  In the middle of a baseball game, of things, I see some vaguely attractive woman of indefinite age tell me that now has a shortcut, “”.  Yes, that’s right, apparently we have become so lazy that those of us looking for deals on theoretically overstocked merchandise can’t be bothered to individually press the keys on our computer keyboards 13 times.

Honestly, I’m thrilled about this development.  I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been sitting at my desk, hands perched on the keyboard, thinking to myself, “Man, self, wouldn’t it be nice to get a bargain on some overstock electronics?  But gosh, typing in ALL THOSE letters is just SO much work.  I mean, maybe I could go 4 or 5, tops, but I just don’t have the energy for 13.” 

As I said, I can’t tell you the number of times that’s happened. I tried to count it once, but I got up past 20 and it’s just too hard to count those higher numbers.  Ultimately, I ended up falling asleep and drooling on the keyboard instead.

At any rate, apparently, the only way to get you visit a website is to shrink the address down to something simple enough for an untrained orangutan to clack out.  I suppose that’s good for the untrained orangutans of the world, because, you know, they need overstock deals as much as the next primate, right?  Truly, though, I do understand having website shortcuts if you’ve got a site that might frequently be used in a twitter message or something where there’s a 140-characters limit.  But I don’t see too many people pushing URLs my way for the deal of the day, so I can only assume laziness is the key motivating factor here.

This is particularly irritating to me, because <OLD-MAN-VOICE>back in my day, people didn’t have fancy computers.  We had to type out reports out on typewriters, using foul-smelling White-Out to go back and correct errors.  And if you wanted to plagiarize something, you still had to write it out yourself, not just type a few short characters into Google and then copy-n-paste whatever hogwash popped up<OLD-MAN-VOICE>.

Let’s be honest, though, it’s not just this business that highlights our laziness.  When was the last time you got up and turned off the TV by hand?  We’ve all fallen asleep in front of Dora the Explorer blaring at full volume because the remote is just too far out of reach, right?  And we’re not alone; that neighbor kid is supposed to be vandalizing property on a weekly basis, but he just can’t be bothered to leave his air conditioning and video games.

So, you know what, for the betterment of all of us, I’ve decided that I’m not going to do it anymore.  I’m not going to complain about life being hard. I’m going to get off my lazy rear-end (which will undoubtedly be suffering from a terrible case of pins-and-needles), and do something about it.  Something to make it better.

And I’m going to start by typing out complete website addresses.

In a little bit.  After I get a nap.

All this typing has worn me out.

Have a good weekend.


3 thoughts on “No good, shiftless lay-abouts

  1. We’re going to need keyboards with keys suited to giant kielbasa fingers soon if this keeps up. Either than, or a super smart spellcheck that can make sense out of gibberish caused by mashed keys.


Comments are closed.