Believe it or not, this post actually isn’t yet one more in an apparently endless series dedicated to motor vehicle tires. Come to think of it, if I don’t have to mention those again for, I don’t know, the rest of my adult life, that’ll be perfectly alright with me.
Anyway, so I spent yesterday on the road, visiting a customer a little over an hour away. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but honestly, I don’t mind the occasional day trip for business. Nothing clears the head quite like some time on the road in the morning and late afternoon, just you, the road, and the voices in your head telling you to Punish All The Bacon Thieves*!
Ahem. Perhaps all that time alone isn’t all healthy after all. Let’s just forget I said that last part.
In honor of my day away, then, I thought this might be a great time for Puddin’s Questionable Tips for the Work Road Trip, Part I: The Quickee Mart.
So, let’s proceed, yes?
Breakfast on the Road: Let’s face it, you don’t have much time for a decent breakfast when your manager tells someone that you’ll be onsite at 9 am, and yet you tend to greet each morning with the same love and affection currently being demonstrated between that, uh, one woman – you know, the mean one — from the Botox-Faced Housewives of, err, that place and every other member of the human race.
Which is to say, you’re not a morning person.
So take my advice: stop at the Quickee Mart and grab a bag of pizzeria pretzel Combos and the 128-oz Kidney Killer of Coke Zero. It’s quick, cheap, and easy to consume in the car.
Sure, 9 out 10 nutritionists agree this is probably the worst kind of stuff you can put into your pie-hole, but I’ve chosen a more optimistic point of view. While pumping yourself full of chemicals and preservatives probably isn’t going to help your longevity much (ask the 10th nutritionist, God rest his soul), but hey, at least they’ll keep you awake and alert during your long day of customer acquiescence.
Quickee Mart Drinks: If you’re like me – and you really probably should be praying nightly to the deity, statue, spirit, or telephone pole of you choosing not to be like me – you gave up the regular consumption of soft drinks some time ago to make more room in your life for other, more compelling vices like alcohol, scratch-off tickets, and strippers**. The problem is, if the Quickee Mart is a shining beacon to anything, it’s to the regular and massive consumption of the sugar-and-caffeine-laden American soft drink.
In such situations, finding a beverage to fill up that Kidney Krusher cup can be a challenge. Occasionally, you will find a big vat of freshly brewed iced tea, or coffee not made with the shavings of discarded lead-based paint and the bitter tears of orphans, in which case you should make with the Happy Dance, fill up a cup quick, and then get the hell out of there before you wake up from your wonderful, wonderful dream.
Sometimes (meaning Thursday), however, when there are no other options, I’ve attempting something a little risky, a tad unorthodox. Gathering my courage like a schoolgirl picks up jax, I poured myself what I’ll officially forever refer to as The Old Golf Shoe.
You’re familiar with the Arnold Palmer, right? Half iced tea and half lemonade? I mean, what could be more perfect on a hot summer day? Well, unless it’s 97 degrees, you’re 70 miles from home, and standing in a gas station that probably should have been condemned by the Health Department back in the Reagan Administration. In which case, you fill a cup half way with the soda fountain faux-tea beverage drink and then you top it off with the soda-fountain chemical-lemonade (which proudly asserts, “0% Real Juice”).
And yes, my beverage did actually taste like the inside of a 40 year-old golf shoe. That was worn by a heavyset fella named Meatball. While he played through a cow pasture. Without socks.
Next time, I think might break down and buy the bottle water.
Anybody have any bleach for my tongue?
*The Bacon Thieves, awesome band name
**I’m just kidding, obviously. Scratch-offs and strippers would cut into my beer budget and then what would I write about for Hoperatives?