QIWAT: What’s in the mythical family pizza?

Everyone has what I like to think of as “ancillary” family. No, that’s not meant to be a derogatory term, it’s simply a description of people you’re related to, but not closely. In my view of one’s heritage, that means relatives with whom I share a “great” grandparent or great-great, etc, but nothing closer. I think proper etiquette labels such individuals as being “removed” from me, or something, but that’s a little too esoteric for my liking. Besides, removed is what you have done to a mole or a business rival, if you happen to be a Soprano-like kind of fellow. No, I’m sticking with ancillary.

In this part of the United States, lots of people have ancillary family. The Cincinnati area is home to something like 900% of America’s Catholic population (the rest are in New Jersey and Pittsburgh), so the families around here tend to stretch past the simply large and into the realm of foolhardy. Being part of a historically Catholic family myself, I’m not lacking for relatives at any given moment, immediate or otherwise. There’s plenty of ancillary family in my world.

And yes, as I understand it, many of them read Puddintopia, at least on occasion. So, then, a shout out to all my ancillary family peeps (you know who you are): you’re good people that know how to have a good time. That’s always a good thing in my book.

Having said that, I think they also might be some form of cult. I regularly see evidence of a kind of “groupthink” posted in their respective facebook statuses; to me, it strongly indicates there’s a good potential for some brainwashing going on.

Ok, I don’t really believe they’re a cult. But there is something going on, something, oddly, pizza-related. Several times a year, one of uncles in the family apparently makes homemade pizzas, and for at least two days prior to the actual dining event, messages are posted describing how excited everyone else in the family is about said Italian delight. Uncle… J, we’ll call him, is apparently some sort of pizza miracle worker, is seems, and I really want to know what’s going on here.

Today is one of those nights, it seems, and reading down my facebook News Feed, I find posts from people who can’t wait, are so excited they were unable to spell correctly, and others that claim to be insanely jealous to be missing it. There’s even a fist pump or two, and the number of exclamation points used to describe the whole thing is simply beyond my ability to count.

So, then, ancillary family, I need some explanation. What makes Uncle J’s pizza The. Best. Thing. Evah? I’m currently of the opinion that the crust must be made with ground unicorn horns, the sauce contains the precious, magical tears of fairies, or a family genie blesses each pie as it comes out of the oven. Either that, or he’s been slipping in low doses of, um, controlled substances all these years. Perhaps there are some special mushrooms involved?

Whatever it is, I desperately need to understand all this crazed devotion to Uncle J’s pizza.

And more importantly, can it be delivered?


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