Why you should never invite an untrained Northern Elf into your home

She said it would be fun to have an Elven guest from the North Pole visiting during the holiday season this year.

I told her she was out of her mind to even consider inviting one of those rotten little scamps into the house.  You couldn’t trust them, I said.  They’d steal everything and eat all the sweets, I said.  I bet the varmints even have some kind of stinky holiday funk, too.

She wouldn’t listen.  So we invited one of little monsters, a creature of the Fae world, to come hang out. 

I prayed that hopefully they wouldn’t steal the good silver or the TV, at least.

So, do you want to know why you shouldn’t let them in?  Because when creatures who can’t move in the presence of humans don’t understand simple physics and thermodynamics, they stick their little green feet on cold lamps that get turned on when someone walks into a room.

And that’s when things like this happen:

Yep, that’s a little green elven foot, well done and fried crispy.

Rumor has it that a kind, wise fellow who didn’t want any elven house guests in the first place might have been responsible for, um, making sure our pointy-eared friend didn’t get stuck to a light source.

Clearly that’s an unsubstantiated claim with no supporting evidence whatsoever.

Regardless, now you know how our new friend from the North Pole ended up with a band-aid on his little, green, pointed shoes.

Clearly someone (perhaps someone known for a fur-lined red outfit, a droll little mouth, and midsection known to shake like preserved fruit when laughing) might want to take a second look at the current Elf-On-A-Shelf Training Program so that elves like Christopher here know to avoid warm sources of light in the future.

Yeah, that’s it.  It’s Santa’s fault.  I’m sticking with that.

Pud’n