Top 5 Things I’d Do If Time Were Limitless

You might have noticed that I spend a goodly portion of my time here either not being here, or writing posts here that include at least a sentence or two referencing the fact that the 24 hours each day I do have are already stuffed to the gills like the proverbial penniless grad student after a free Sunday dinner at Grandma’s house.

So, yes, I recognize that maybe you get by now that I spend a lot of my day seeing to my work, kids, writing, wife, pets, and household maintenance.  I’ll try not to bring it up too often again in the future, because, for real, even I’m a little sick of hearing me say it. Sometimes I just want to snap a selfie of me in the mirror smacking myself next to the message, “Get Over It” written backwards in burgundy lipstick.

Wait. Was that weird? Let’s um, yeah, let’s move on.

Anyway, I got to thinking about it—time, that is, not writing myself mirror messages for photographic purposes—and one question reared it’s ugly head (which begs a second question: why is the rearing head always ugly, but that’s probably a post for another day):

What 5 Things Would You Do If Your Time Was Limitless?

Clearly, this required me to make…dun dun dun…An Enumerated List!

  1. Brew more beer – Because, beer, duh. Also, I love to brew.  But brewing is a combination of art and science that requires attention to detail and time to truly improve. However, I’m thinking that having more time might actually let me put a little effort into lassoing my errant brain thoughts—which typically fly around the room like a toddler hopped up a grandparent visit, pixie sticks, 24 ounces of espresso, and psychedelic kaleidoscope videos—into focusing on a single thing at time. Added bonus: the Puddinette hates the smell of steeping barley. Yes, she does. Because she’s some kind of heathen, that’s why. But we love her anyway. The thing is, though, if I was brewing more (say, daily) then she’d have this whole other way to complain about how terrible I make the house smell. And wouldn’t that be nice?
  2. Learn to fly – No, I don’t mean “get a pilot’s license”. Any yahoo with a heartbeat can do that. No sir, I want to learn to fly myself, unaided by contraptions of modern invention. I mean, birds figured out how to do it. Bees figured out how to do it. And it probably only took both of them a couple of million years of evolution to manage that, respectively. Look at me, I’ve got all the time in the world. Surely I can work something out before the sun grows cold and all life on Earth is extinguished in a blink of the Universe’s eye.
  3. Watch Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and Empire Strikes Back every night after writing – Enough said. If you don’t understand the why of this one, I don’t even know who you are any more.  In fact, I’m pretty sure my mom won’t let me come over to your house and play anymore, either.
  4. Finally learn to drink, appreciate, and actually like scotch – Look, I’ve tried. God knows I’ve tried. Again and again and again. I’m compelled (or compulsed?) to find some way to enjoy scotch whiskey because according to all the best drinking scenes from TV and movies, it’s the drink of mature adult males. “Need a drink, Bob?” “God, yes. Scotch, neat.” But. I just can’t do it. No matter how hard I try to like it, I ultimately end up making that same face you make when your spouse has you “smell this milk.”  For some reason, to me, the stuff tastes like moldy turpentine, and I just can’t get past it.
  5. Actually try to give a shit about my yard – Sure, I’d like to care about my lawn. I mean, it’s kind of nice when you see Mr. McGillicutty’s perfectly manicured plot down the street, where every single blade is exactly the same shade of green, exactly the same height, and the standing at exactly the same angle. By comparison, my own grass looks like it’s been sectioned off and used for experiments by the Scotts company. There’s a green patch here, a brown patch there, and over in the corner is a 6-foot growth of weeds, nettles, and poison oak that’s singing out for human blood.  We stay away from that.
  6. Read more books – (Yeah, I know, I said 5. Bite me, it’s my list. What? Not good enough? Okay, fine. So since we’re entertaining a hypothetical about the quantum infiniteness of time, let’s also just go ahead and assume 5 == 6. Ponder that, Einstein!) Okay, so, yes, I read books. As much as I can. A little everyday, at least. But, never, never, as much as I’d like. I mean, I was complaining 18 months ago that my To Be Read stack reached to the lower ionosphere, and it’s only gotten bigger since then. At this point that I keep expecting NASA to approach me about leasing it out as a low-cost option for reaching the International Space Station. So if I had All The Time I wanted, I’d read ALL The Books. At least two or three day (probably no more than that, though, for fear they’d run together). In fact, we should probably all put this on our list. Go ahead and add it to yours now.  Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

You might have noticed that nowhere on the above list did I include items such as,

  • Ice cream time with the family
  • More writing
  • Watch the Barden Bellas kill it in the International Championship of Collegiate A Cappella Finals from the movie Pitch Perfect (again)
  • Eat more ranch dressing

See, because those things are important to me already. Well, except the ranch dressing.  I wouldn’t make time for that if you paid me because I HATES RANCH WITH THE BURNING HATE OF A THOUSAND SEA WITCHES JEALOUS OF ARIEL’S BEAUTY.


Anyway, since I’ve only got the one life, and limited amount of time to spend living it, it seemed smart to me to use it for the things I really want to do. The other stuff, the “damn, that’d be kind cool, but do I really need to learn to fly” things? Well, if I manage to go my entire live and never get a taste for scotch, I’m pretty sure I’ll survive. Also, my liver will be happier.

So, here’s today’s homework: go do the things that are really important to you. Right now. No more dreams of tomorrow or maybe someday. Stop what you’re doing right now, pull yourself up out of that youtube rabbit hole, dust yourself off, and start making your life the life you always wanted.

Oh, and when you’re done, maybe drop a comment about your five things and share the post with everyone you know so we can see their five things, too? That’d be swell!

In the meantime, I have to go not complain about not having any time. Which only seems like a double negative. But it’s not, I swear.

Plus also, finish a book.


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