There are a lot more of you reading today. It’s nice to see all you newcomers!
If you’re scratching your head and wondering if maybe I didn’t finally turn that corner from “amusingly eccentric” to “hearing the rabbits talking behind the shrubs”, relax. I’m still only mostly crazy. It’s just that, yes, there are actually more people reading my little chronicle of rambling here today than there were yesterday. Because one day ago, I had the privilege and honor of being “Freshly Pressed” for the second time. It seems my recent Question I Want Answers To post, “Where are we getting all these delicious pumpkins?” was selected by one of the few tireless WordPress editors who scour the world of WP blogs in search of posts that their readers might enjoy.
Which is to say, someone thought my pumpkin post didn’t suck. Huzzah! That’s pretty cool.
So, welcome all you new readers! I promise I’ll try not to run you off.
Tempering that happy news, however, shortly after lunch today I realized that something bad was on the horizon. In the deep, dark, icky recesses of my throat, I noticed a slight tickle. Just a tinge, mind you, merely a nagging, minor discomfort. Certainly nothing half as bothersome as the back stiffness your average 40 year-old (by which I mean me) has to cope with every morning when the alarm clock shouts it hateful tune when it’s time to slump-roll* out of bed.
But still, that barely irritated throat is a sign as dependable as a politician’s uselessness, as constant as the Northern Star.
Yep, I’m getting a cold.
Of course now is precisely the least convenient time for me to be getting a cold. The kids are ending fall baseball and starting winter basketball—and cheerleading when appropriate—it’s November, which means I’m knee-deep in NaNoWriMo and trying not to succumb to the urge to, you know, slow down a little bit and just relax. On top of all that, I’m still trying to work my way to the end of C25K before Old Man Winter gets here and curls his hard, bony fingers around my joints. Also, Thanksgiving and the holidays are looming, I’ve got my country’s 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to blame for it*.
So, yeah, I don’t need to get sick right now.
What’s a fella to do, then? Well, this might not work for everyone, but here’s my three-point plan to knock that cold out before it sinks it’s grubby tendrils into my soft, delicate sinuses.
- ZICAM, ZICAM, ZICAM. I won’t claim that this stuff will work for everybody out there, but if I manage to start popping those lozenges like Sweet-Tarts before a cold really sets in, it makes a massive difference the life of said affliction. In fact, there have been times that I’ve ZICAM’d the sickies away long before my nose even thought about embarrassing me in an elevator full of coworkers.
- Stone Ruination Double IPA. Again, I don’t know if this will work for everyone (and for that matter, Ruination is most decidedly not a beer for the just anyone—especially not for the hop-averse), but ever since they started putting the REAL cold medicine behind the pharmacy counter—you know, to “thwart” the 5% of people out there planning on making meth with it—I can’t find a cold remedy that seems any more effective than taking two Flintstone’s vitamins and hiding under my covers. And yes, that does exactly what you think it does: next to nothing. Which is also what all those “out-in-front” over-the-counter cold medicines do. So, instead, I find and sip a beer hoppy enough to curl the hairs on my chest. Sure, there’s no clinical evidence that this works, but then again, who needs science when science already made you beer?
- Taking two ibuprofen and a tall glass of orange juice early in the morning. Do this and then don’t bother with the doctor. He doesn’t have an appointment until next week and you don’t want to pay the co-pay anyway.
- Chocolate. Sure, this is point four of a three-point plan and probably wholly unnecessary, but let’s be honest, chocolate makes everything better. Also, Halloween was last week and you’ve got a ton of it laying around the house. So get busy. It can’t make things worse, right?
That’s all there is to it. With luck, my patent-pending three-point plan will have me (and maybe even you) up and back in fighting form without ever having to complain about how two days of Kleenex usage is indistinguishable from rubbing your nose with 90-grit sandpaper. And for all you ladies out there with a fella under the weather, there’s the potential added bonus of staving off the dreaded Man Cold.
And I think we can all agree that preventing that terrifying Man Cold is the fastest, surest way to peace on Earth and good will towards all.
*The “Slump-Roll” is a tried-and-true middle-aged method of getting out of bed with as little physical resistance and using a few muscles as possible. Because, old.
**Clearly this is a quote from The Princess Bride, but you’re a nerd like me and knew that already, didn’t you?