This is not going to come as big news to regular readers, but I like movies. I even used to like to go to the theater to see movies—and still do, for the popcorn if nothing else—but you know, $10 a ticket and concession prices inflated a thousand percent makes the risk of dropping serious cash on a disappointing film more likely than seeing septuagenarians at the 4:30 Early Bird dinner special at Del Boca Vista.
For comparison, my recliner is cost-free and is already conveniently imprinted with my, um, specific posterior anatomical outline*. So there’s that. Oh, and the beer selection at la Casa de Puddin is typically superior to the movie theater options in the “VIP” seats.
So, while I still go to the movies once, maybe twice, a year (Avengers, anyone?), for the most part, I’m getting my money’s worth out of my home theater. So I got that going for me, which is nice.
Over the past week or so, I’ve been churning the ole Blu-Ray pretty good, and for once, I actually have opinions about all the films I’ve seen (which isn’t always the case—often times, my reaction is, ‘Eh, it wasn’t great, but Movie X entertained me’).
Unfortunately, when I have an opinion about something and set out to lay it down on paper, you poor readers have to clear your afternoon schedules to make time for the Dostoevsky-ian tome of rambling I generate.
Exhibit A: I’m 250 words into this “movie review” post, and I still haven’t even named the movies yet. Yes, your welcome.
Shall we see, then, if I can fit my thoughts about each of the films in question into 100 words-or-less? It’ll be fun!
Hey, I heard you roll your eyes from here. I can too do it!
Young Adult (2011, Charlize Theron, Patrick Wilson, Patton Oswalt)
I normally heart Charlize Theron. Seriously, I’d watch her fill out life insurance paperwork. But this was supposed to be a dark comedy. Now, I like to think that I’ve got a sense of humor, but there really just wasn’t anything funny here. Plenty of dark, oh yes. But even Patton Oswalt was too awkwardly pathetic to get a grin. Honestly, I was uncomfortable through the whole thing. That said, props to Ms. Theron, who played her terrifyingly pitiful part convincingly. Yep, girl can act; they should give her an award or something.
Contagion (2011, Matt Damon, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow)
I guess Contagion was supposed to be a thriller? I don’t know. To it me was one part mystery, one part procedural, one part family drama, and several parts ‘meh’. Look, I’m not a difficult moviegoer to appease. Give me 90-120 minutes of entertainment and I’m happy, no matter how ridiculous your plot or wooden your characters. Hell, my belief suspends better than a buxom girl over a table at a Great Fakereni magic show. But this thing was so all-over-the place I just couldn’t get invested in any of the characters. I’ve cared more about broken shoe laces.
The Descendants (2011, George Clooney, Shailene Woodley)
Embarrassing admission: I like George Clooney**. He’s local, was often seen at Edna’s Edibles, and seems pretty laid back. That said, in a movie, I rarely forget he’s Clooney. Also, family drama in Hawaii? I prefer my fiction escapist and my Hawaii, well, 5-0, thankyouverymuch. So I wasn’t expecting to love The Descendants. But, damn, this movie’s solid. While emotional, it was somehow never too depressing, and even had the occasional lightheartedness Young Adult should’ve had. Clooney disappeared into the lost father whose family life is circling the drain and somehow got me to care about him and his family.
Look at that! I did it! W00t! Three movies in 100 words or less each! Cue up the Dora the Explorer song.
So what did you think of these movies? I’d love to hear, and I’ve got that comment button down there for a reason, you know. Use it!
Or, um, popcorn. Or something.
**We shall not speak of the Batman and that, um, bird travesty. Like Highlander 2, in my mind it never existed. Also, and for the record, Clooney is not an action guy and should not attempt action roles under any circumstances.