One day last week, as I was driving home from work and contemplating my query letter for Famine – you know, wondering again if a tweak here or there wouldn’t give it a little extra punch, like you do – my car radio assaulted me with a terrifying song. You know the one, right? It was that heavily produced, auto-tuned thing by that little girl with three names that, once having taken up residence in my subconscious, seemed impossible to remove short of sloppy, regrettable, binge-drinking and/or full-frontal lobotomy?
For the record, I’m pretty sure those particular conditions were prophesied re: The End Times. As in:
Lo, when She, the child of three names, commands the minds of men with insipid words in song,
the Bringer of Darkness will roam the land to eat the souls of the puppies and kittens!
Errr, something like that.
Anyway, luckily, as I was already thinking heavily about that query letter when The Song moved in, something snapped in my brain. And not unlike those old Reese Peanut Butter Cup commercials where the chocolate ends up in the peanut butter after some ridiculously unlikely event, my experience sending queries got mixed in with the earworm and something was born that gave me a downright not-masculine and wholly shameful fit of giggles.
Warning: This may be the cheesiest commercial ever made.
It is thus with great pride that I submit this parody for all my literary brothers and sisters out there, queriers fighting the good fight deep in the muddy trenches of “trying to get a novel published”, as well as all the long-suffering agents and editors desperately seeking that one shiny needle in the dirty haystack of “You buys my book ‘coz I wrotes it gud and it’s better than them sparkly vampire stories and it’s gonna make more cash that Steve King fella”.
Anyway, I hope this brings everyone at least a brief smile before we all get back to our respective trenches.
REP ME MAYBE
I send my dreams in email
I pray that this time goes well
And you’re the one that I sell
My query’s on it’s way
I’d sell my soul for a full
For you to say, “This is cool,”
A call from you would just rule,
Each query makes me pray
Your read queue is slowin’
I’m desperate, now it’s showin’
Long nights, Send/Receivin’
Please, oh, please, no form rejection!
Hey, I’m an author, and this makes me crazy
But here’s my query, so rep me maybe
I know I’m waiting, ’till you reject me,
But here’s my query, so rep me maybe
Hey, I’m an author, and this makes me crazy
But here’s my query, so rep me maybe
Other agents said, “your book’s just not me”
But here’s my query, so rep me maybe
I keep waiting for your call
While banging head against the wall
And just get no response at all
My query nerves are frayed
I hit F5 all day long
Doubt that my letter was strong
Think that my whole dream is wrong
Here in fast food I’ll stay
Your read queue is slowin’
I’m desperate, now it’s showin’
Long nights, Send/Receivin’
Please, oh, please, no form rejection!
Hey, I’m an author, this makes me crazy
But here’s my query, so rep me maybe
I know I’m waiting, ’till you reject me,
But here’s my query, so rep me maybe
Hey, I’m an author, and this makes me crazy
But here’s my query, so rep me maybe
Other agents said, “your book’s just not me”
But here’s my query, so rep me maybe
I want to publish for real, I need you so bad
I need you so bad…I need you so, so bad
You know the pubs who will deal, I need you so bad
It’s self-pubbing without you…I need you so, so bad
I know I’m waiting, ’till you reject me,
But here’s my query, so rep me maybe
Hey, I’m an author, and this makes me crazy
But here’s my query, so rep me maybe
Other agents said, “your book’s just not me”
But here’s my query, so rep me maybe
I want to publish for real, I need you so bad
I need you so bad…I need you so, so bad
You know the pubs who will deal
So rep me, maybe?
And yes, I realize it’s the Worst. Song. Parody. Ever. But, you know, look at the source material.
I’m just sayin…
Now, get back to work.
Pud’n
Puddintopia 