Like most Americans, I reckon, I watched some of the Vice Presidential debate last night on, um, I don’t know, that one channel with all the talking heads that don’t manage to really say anything. Between you and me, I’m not sure why we have VP debates, anyway, since the Vice President of the United States is about as impactful on the day-to-day operation of the Executive Branch as the “emergency” third-string quarterback is to an NFL team.
Basically, they both pretty much just hold the clipboard until somebody gets creamed, and everyone else hopes and prays that never happens.
Anyway, much like with the first Presidential Debate, at the end of these things someone, usually several varying someones, declares a winner and then we chitter about it like squirrels until the next one or the election. But, honestly, I don’t know if these things really have a “winner” since the whole process seems more subjective than my seven year-old daughter keeping a boxing scorecard (“Daddy, I like his shiny gold robe, I think he should win!”). I do, however, know who loses. The American people lose, it seems to me, pretty much every time.
Look, the thing is that both sides lie, dodge, and spin issues around until no on really has idea what any of it means. And let’s be honest, every last promise they all make is more dependent on who gets elected to Congress than which ticket wins the prom popularity contest lands on Pennsylvania Avenue.
Luckily, I have a solution! One of my cousins posted a link last night to a document from the Commonwealth of Kentucky (that’s where I live, see) with instructions on how to register intent to be a write-in on the KY election ballot.
Hello, my name is Puddin. And I think that this November 8th, you should write my name in for the office of President of the United States.
I know what you’re thinking: “Dude, really?” To that, I say, “Sure, why not?” And to prove how dedicated I am to this, I spent my entire 15-minute morning commute today considering a plan for fixing what ails the good ol’ U. S. of A.
Without further nonsense*, I offer Puddin for President’s Patented** Five-Point Platform:
- As president, I promise not to promise to deliver things that I couldn’t deliver even if I had a beat-up, old Civic hatchback and a Pizza Joe’s roof sign.
- I promise to accept absolutely $0 in campaign donations. Money shouldn’t have anything to do with politics, seeing’s how it corrupts and all. So, I mean it, no money, not from lobbies, old friends, or even from well-meaning little old ladies. If anybody sends me any campaign money, I’m giving it to these peopleso they can build their damn Tesla Museum. I mean, come on, it’s Tesla! I will, however, allow you buy me a beer as long as you promise to talk about sports, books, movies, or, well, beer.
- I promise to lead a charge to have corporate “Mission Statements” and PR departments quit feeding us lines of crap that stink more than an toddler’s pants after a bowl of three-alarm chili. From now on, I want to see some honesty. Instead of nonsense like, “We, WidgetCo, Inc. stand for buzzword, blah, blah, blah, quality, blah, synergy, yadda, yadda products for people,” I think we should get something along the lines of “We, WidgetCo, Inc. want to sell you crap for high prices so we can crank up our stock price and go on crazy, fully-expensed coke benders. Our mission is to sell you more of our nasty-ass, pink ammonia beef so we can go cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching!”
- If elected, I promise to focus my administration, whenever possible, on tackling long-term issues rather than slapping a politically expedient five-year band aid on a short term problem. Because it’s about frakkin’ time someone did it and, well, f#ck it, I’m not getting re-elected anyway. Can I fix our sluggish economy in four years or make the budget deficit go away with a wave of my magic tax wand? Hell, no. Neither can Santa Claus, King Midas, Marvel’s Avengers, The Flying Spaghetti Monster or any of the current yahoos running for the office, for that matter. But I’d sure like someone to focus on something that has long term ramifications, like really fixing our faltering education system, no matter how painful doing so might be. Maybe the next four years won’t be a cake walk, but the following forty sure could be awesome.
- I promise to make National Beer Day a federal holiday. You knew that was coming, right?
- Finally, I promise to redirect oil company subsidies to new rail construction, both model and full-size. Not for any serious reason, mind you, but because my future chief of staff, The Attitude, says choo-choos are cool! And, I mean, come on, everyone agrees with that.
Yes, I realize I said “five-point plan” and I gave you six. See, this means that either a) I’m lying to you already, which clearly indicates that I’m qualified for the position or b) Look! I under-promised and over-delivered! The last time that probably happened to any of us, we got an free order of artery-sludging fries from Burger King because you ordered onion rings, but they screwed you at the window and you had to go in and fetch your deep fried onions on foot.
Man, but they f#ck you at the drive-thru!
Anyway, this Election Day, while you’re trying to figure out what the hell to do with your kids since they’re off of school but your ass has to work like usual, remember me. What? No, no, not for baby-sitting; I’ve got my own problems there. No, remember me as a write-in candidate for President of the United States.
Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh…oh, wait, that’s for the mirror. Let’s try this one: Because I’m old enough, I’m a citizen, and really, could I screw things up that much worse?
That’s Puddin, P-U-D-D-I-N.
God Bless you, God Bless the Commonwealth of Kentucky, and God Bless the United States of America.
*I would have said “adieu” there, but polling research indicates that the French language turns voters off as being all “high-falutin’ and possibly sissified”
**Not really. I don’t think you can patent these things. And patents take forever anyway.