The Obligatory List: 5 Holiday Albums No One Needs

Since we’re all hip-deep in holiday freakin’ cheer at this point, bloggers across the sticky interwebs are following the annual tradition of mailing it in. The calendar is speeding toward that magical date of 1/1/2014, after which we’ll all have a week to post ad naseum about our hopeless-slash-pointless-slash-obvious resolutions for the coming year.

Of course, by “mailing it in”, what I really mean is that the time has come for the…

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The Obligatory Posting of Random Lists!

We’ve all come to expect it: this time of year. everybody and their uncle Merle pimps a list of something.  Top 10 Best Books! Top 5 Heart-Melting Movie Lines! Top 3 Films With the Word “Goat” in the Title! Top 7 Songs By a Singer We All Know Can’t Sing, But Hey, Pretty, So, Whatever! 10 Worst Celebrity Crotch Shots! Top 5 Kardashian Divorces!

And so on and so on, etc. You know what I mean.

The point is, I figured I should probable shoulder my way in on the action. I mean, I am technically some kind of blogger, right? The Oxford Dictionary alone says so!

I thought about doing something like 5 Must-Have Holiday Songs. But then I remembered that nobody could possibly give two palmfuls of dryer lint about my preferences for Christmas music that’s belted out by crooning dead guys (Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, and Andy Williams, please step up to the microphone).

However, as I was digging through the Spotify archives in search of the classic holiday albums my dad always played (on an actual record player) while we put up the tree and cringed through the process of not dropping, crushing, mangling, or otherwise ruining any of the more-precious-than-my-young-life Nativity Set animals*, I had an epiphany.  That’s when it hit me that there are dozens of Christmas albums out there that probably, well, maybe should never have been made. Because you don’t care about them, I don’t care about them, and, hell, nobody else who’s interested in listing to Christmas music even cares about them.

So, without further adieu, I give you….

Five Holiday Albums No One Needs:

1. Ukelele Christmas – Because while the ukulele certainly can be an interesting musical instrument, NO ONE NEEDS UKELELE DECK THE HALLS!
2. ReJoyce The Christmas Album (Jessica Simpson) – I mean, really? “ReJoyce”? Who the hell is Joyce and why the hell would we “Re” her? Just…just…shush now. Also, learn how spelling works.
3. A Twisted Christmas (Twisted Sister) – While I have plenty of respect for Twisted Sister, I’m not exactly sure this is in their “wheelhouse”, so to speak.  Also, they made it in 2006, which just smacks of desperation.
4. Christmas with the Chipmunks – Yes, I mean Alvin and the Chipmunks. And yes, I realize this CD is probably Much Beloved by Children Everywhere. But you know what? So is McDonald’s. That doesn’t mean it isn’t crap. Give your kids some Perry Como. They’ll thank you when they’re older.
5. The Sounds of Christmas (2009) – Two words: Track Freaking 15. William Shatner “singing”…Good…(pause)…King……(wait for it)…Wenceslas. Clearly no one has time for that.

So, there. That’s my obligatory list for this holiday season. I hope you enjoyed it. If not, well, don’t worry, I’ll probably include some pointless/hopeless resolutions next week, too. Pretty sure I’m contractually obligated.

In the meantime, have great weekend.

And try not to set the place on fire.

p

*God help you if you didn’t show that one camel in repose the appropriate respect.