Search Terms, Revisited

To the best of my recollection, it’s been something like a geological epoch since the last time I mustered up the courage to delve into search phrases in my web stats. I do this periodically because I have this tendency to use…unusual…turns of phrase in posts form time to time, which Google categorizes with what I can only assume is the same level of delighted glee that can bring a Star Wars fanboy to near critical mass by simply uttering the phrase, “Greedo shot first”.

But poking at fanboy hives with sticks is a post for another day.

Today, we’re talking search terms, and here’s a hand-selected list of actual phrases someone out there (you know who you are. Yes, you, there in the corner with the guilty smirk and the Twix Rabbit plushie) typed into a search engine and hit “GO”. That Google’s magical algorithm—you know, the One That Runs All Our Lives On Earth?—somehow determined my humble website here was often one of the most contextually appropriate places to direct these searches is a mark of high honor for me.

Should I be so honored?  Well, II’ll let you be the judge of that after you’ve read the cream of crop we’ve been blessed with this time around:

“stinky booty face” – Look, I think it’s pretty safe to say that I have all the tools necessary to win at “Being Immature For Life”.  I mean, the game is effectively designed for me. After all, nuh, uh, you are! But stinky booty face? What the fresh hell is that, even? I can only assume it’s some sort of put down thrown around on the playground like “cootie breath” or “neck beard”. Because if it’s not, if that’s, like, a thing that maybe some adult somewhere has to cope with?  Well, that’s a whole different kind of not so fresh feeling.

hooker running shoe – Wait.  Whut?  Is there a special style or category of running shoe specifically designed for practitioners of the oldest profession? Who even knew that they needed running shoes? Do these things come with some kind of special stilletto heels? Are there varying types and price ranges (you know, from the low-end corner model to the high-priced special order variety that you can only get if you know a guy who knows a guy)? Somebody needs to give us the lowdown about this.

roman excess – Well, sure, who hasn’t done some googling for a little bit of the roman excess. Come on, it’s 2014. Everybody deserves to be fed grapes in a chaise while slurping goblet wine.  And who hasn’t wished for a good 15 or 20 minutes of playing the ol’ reliable fiddle while Rome burns on the occasional Monday morning? Yep, just tell me where to put in my credit card number because I’ve got a fever, and the only cure is going to be a healthy shot of roman excess!

movies with the word zero – I’m not sure why, exactly, someone would be searching for movies with the word zero. And honestly, I don’t really know what they’re looking for here. Are we talking the word zero in the dialog somewhere or as a key part of the title? Does it refer to a character named “word zero” maybe, or the number of stars/eggs/tomatoes most commonly associated with it by critics? Who knows.  What I do know, though, is that there’s pretty much no reason this search should lead anyone to Puddintopia. I mean, if it was “movies with the word 100”, I’d totally get it. But word zero? Go home, Google, you’re drunk.

fffddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd – Sir? Sir? Are you alright sir? You seem to have passed out at the keyboard while engaging in a little Late Night Googling, an activity which, admit it, we’ve all done. And while it’s not quite as embarrassing as it sounds, it can certainly lead to an over abundance of guilt and shame.  Also, it increases the likelihood of FedEx arriving at your door one morning 3-5 days later with a confounding delivery of hot pink penguin beanies addressed to attention of “The Moist Interring Man in The Wolrd” (sic).

literary agents who represent the damned – Um.  Wow.  I guess the old saying is true, everyone really has tried to write a book, haven’t they? I mean, you’d think that once you get turned away at the Pearly Gates and take the elevator Down, your days of trying to hammer out that manuscript at last would be over. But, no, at least one someone from the Lake of Fire is apparently seeking representation. And I’m going to tell you, it’s hard to think they wouldn’t have a pretty compelling query. Also, just think of the platform! I just hope they avoid the dreaded rhetorical question in the query letter. I know it might be tempting to start off with, “Ever wonder what you would do if condemned to a lifetime of torture and flaying?”  But, trust me, most agents are just going to say “No” and move on to the next letter in the slush pile. After all, the slush pile kind of is being condemned to a lifetime of torture and flaying.

boys in handcuff – Um. Yikes. I think maybe you’ve got the wrong idea there, Google. Look, I’m not at all going to be judgey or anything.  What consenting adult do in their free time is both cool with me and none of my bidness anyway. Just, you know, that’s not the kind of blogging we’re into around here.

how to draw a dingo step by step – Seriously, someone was directed here, for this? Because, look, the only kind of drawing I do with any regularity includes either bath water or stick figures.  And I sure as Anne of Green Gables don’t know the first two things about dingos…except that maybe they’ll eat your baby?  I’m not sure, that sounds kind of like they’re getting a bad rap for the actions of one rotten dingo apple, if you ask me.  Babies consumers or not, I certainly don’t have any idea how to draw one.  So don’t look at me. Heck, I can’t even draw a stick figure football identifiably.

chocolate pudding enema – This is just so….wow…that, I can’t even. I mean, I know we’ve covered “pudding enema” as a search term before, but the fact that whoever was doing the searching this time around went so far as to actually specify a particular flavor.  I…well, damn, internet. Sometimes you shock even me.

And with that, puddintopians, I think we’ve done enough scouring the search terms for one season.  Any more and I’m going to need to go take a nice, long bleach shower and maybe scrub out my brain. So we’ll stop here and just have a few drinks instead.

Have a great weekend, and try not to set the place on fire!

Pud’n