Search terms and a terrifying misuse of pudding

When you write a blog, it’s easy to forget that yes, in fact, you’re often-too-long-ramblings can, and sometimes will, end up scattered to the four corners of the real world. Well, or at least the “real world” of the internets.  Which, you know, is also where people form long-term relationship with “catfish”, and I’m led to understand that’s not to mean actual fish.

I suppose that’s a good thing.  That they aren’t actual fish, that is.  Although, still.

At any rate, the point is that this is a moderately public soap box, meaning that, at the very least, Google—oh, well, and I guess “other search engines” (as if that were thing anyone cared about)—will frequently catalog the words used and then direct people here when it feels my blog might have some info pertinent to their needs.

That’s pretty cool, right?  And the best part about the whole thing, see, is that your blog will remember who arrived here on the back of a possibly hasty and poorly thought-out keyword search like a teenager agreeing to hitch a ride in the Spicoli van.  Yes, Virginia, those embarrassing searches are reported to whomever lords over the administration of a website.

Since I make a habit of going through my searches every 30 days or so (what? Don’t judge me. At least I don’t watch Honey Boo Boo. In fact, I haven’t watched anything on TLC since it’s day of showing castle defenses and actual space travel), I thought I might share some of the more, um, curious of those searches to start your week.

wordmonkey for writers – I’m not entirely sure what this is, but I’ll be damned if I don’t want one.  I don’t care if it’s software, some kind of vaguely hippy-new-age-transcendental consciousness exploration technique for writers, or you know, an actual monkey to write stuff for you.  Even if it is a monkey, its work can’t be any worse that most of what I write, right?  Sadly, though, random googler, this is not the place to find information about it/them/whatever.  But, hey, let me know what you find out!

what exactly does the pope do – Um, seriously?  Wow, I guess being the leader of the largest, richest, most-well-known religious organization in the world doesn’t quite have the street cred that it used to.  Back in my day*, asking questions like this could get you excommunicated without a second look.  Which, of course, immediately meant, duh duh duh, looking forward to an afterlife of Dante’s Inferno, or worse, having nothing to read but Lindsey Lohan’s tabloid exploits. But sadly—or luckily, depending on how you look at it—all that Vatican VII nonsense took the teeth out of Roman Catholicism.  Which I guess I should be happy about.  Otherwise there’d be Hell to pay (possibly literally) for these two posts.  At any rate, silly searcher, good luck finding out exactly what the pope does.  I’m sure there must be more to it than wearing silly hats and being a “shepherd of men”.  Because, you know…uh oh feeling.

family road trip harness – Again, I have no idea what the hell this is, but whatever it is, I think I probably need one too.  I’m staring down the barrel of another long family road trip this summer, and if there was some kind of restraining harness for my family (preferably with a “Mute Complaints and Bickering” option), that’d be awesome.  Or, even if the restraint is instead designed to keep me from clawing my own eyes out upon hearing that someone has to use the potty (again) 2 miles past the last restroom for the next 70.

skinemax on hulu, a good skinemax film on hulu – Really, people.  I mean, really?  Look, if you’re that hard up for something to do with your Saturday night, I’m sure actual skinemax—err, I suppose that’s “Cinemax”—is still showing the content you’re looking for.  If not, doesn’t HBO have something like 16 shows devoted to following sex workers around?   Seriously, I’m pretty sure that when not showing Game of Thrones and True Blood, it’s like the TLC of adult reality shows.  And let’s face it, Game of Thrones and True Blood are pretty much right up that skinemax alley anyway.  So quit looking to hulu for what’s quite easily accessible elsewhere.  Also, since you ended up here with your ill-directed search terms, it’s obvious you’ve got internet access.  You know about the “internet”, right?  Like, how it’s governed by no real authority and anyone can largely much publish anything the want? What I’m saying is, I’m pretty sure there’s some Dutch variant of YouTube that has what exactly you’re looking for.  So, you know, maybe quit looking for, um, “love”, in all the wrong places.  PS: you’ll go blind.

baby skull and cross bones – What the…well, I don’t even…you’re kidding right?  What the what are you even looking for here?  A tiny version of skull and cross bones, or a version appropriate for babies.  I’m pretty sure the latter isn’t appropriate, like, ever, unless of course you’re making eTrade commercials. And the former, well, I suppose if you’re a Leprechaun biker gang about to go on a cross-country bender for St. Patrick’s Day, I can see where you’re coming from.  Just not how you ended up here.

pudding enema, enema with pudding, is pudding safe for enema, can u make pudding enema, and (my favorite) pudding enema boy – Yes, these were all search terms that led people to my humble blog in the last 30 days.  On different days, at different times.  Which means they all came from different searchers.  I cannot for the life of me fathom why one person, let alone multiple people, would be searching the nooks and valleys of the interwebs for information on using, um, that substance in this procedure.  I mean, to each his own and I try not to judge and all that, but this isn’t just an odd detour of the train of human civilization we’re talking about here.  It’s a full-blown leap from the tracks into the nearest murky cesspool, complete with fiery destruction, “Oh, the humanity!”, and a brief glimpse of The End Times.  What’s even worse is that the repeated nature of this search suggests to me that somewhere out there, on the same internet my kids use, is a video of some “enema boy” doing unspeakable things with a dessert.  To which, I can only say…<shudder>.  Also, if you need me, I’ll be in my hermit cave with the canned goods and the potable water.  Please forward my mail.

And on that note, as I go to prep the family to move, I offer you this piece of advice:

Google with care, fair reader, because the internet remembers everything you do.  And will probably tell your mother.

Pud’n

*Ok, maybe not actually “my day”, so much as like, half a century ago.  But still…