2014 Summer Movie Blowout In Many Many Words

I guess it’s kind of a thing now.  I mean, not quite the same kind of thing you meant when you were 13 and said (with your voice full of teenager my-life-is-over woe), “Janie PerfectHairAndEyesAndSkin starting going out with Tommy FlashingSmileFootballHero last night so I guess they’re, like, I dunno, a thing now or whatever.”  Because, let’s be honest, that kind of thing never ends well for anyone. Not for Janie. Not for Tommy, and certainly not for you.

Well, maybe it’s good for the therapists.  But they can make lemonade out of just about anything at a bazillion dollars a therapeutic hour.

Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah. It’s a thing. Meaning it’s a regular thing, apparently, that I’m going to do a summer movie post every year, wherein I share what I’m probably going to overpay to see before school starts again.  And yes, I do complain about the cost of it all, but that won’t stop me from grinning like a 12 year-old in a darkened theater while compulsively searching for last shiny-looking pieces of popcorn* in a paper tub so big I could use it for housing.

All-In:

Godzilla – I have been a monster** fan of the world’s most famous giant radioactive lizard since long before the internet was even a lusty glimmer in the Department of Defense’s eye. I even paid good American money to see that one with Mathew Broderick and the mommy Godzilla. Hell, I’ll even watch it when they replay it on channels like FX at 3 in the morning on Saturday. Such is my love for the green, destructive beast. I’m not about to miss a chance to another at the theater.  Plus also, maybe there will be blue meth? I’m uncertain. Either way. Godzilla! Run! To the movies!

X-Men: Days of Future Past – Do I even need to go into detail here? Basically, there are two kinds of X-Men movies: Awesome ones with well-written stories that make happy like a Mon-Chi-Chi for weeks, and then then ho-hum ones with “we needed a screenplay so we got drunk and jotted done some notes and then Wolverine’d the hell out of it” stories that make me happy like a Mon-Chi-Chi, but for a couple of hours.  This one looks like it might be the best X-Men story committed to film yet. I’m SO in.

Transformers 4: Age of Extinction – I will trade you a Markie Mark for a Shia Lebouf every day of the week and twice on Tuesday. Let’s face it, even Indian Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls would have been more palatable with Markie Mark instead.  Plus also, Optimus Prime is still the coolest toy robot ever. So, yes, I will be paying to enable Michael Bay again, even though I realize I probably shouldn’t.  What can I say? He completes my childhood.

Guardians of the Galaxy – I think someone needs to give Marvel, like, a bazillion Academy Awards for their approach to turning backlist into blockbuster gold.  But, since that’s not terrible likely, I suppose they’ll just have learn to live, instead, with the bazillions of dollars they’re raking in by punching that Capri-Sun-like dollars extraction straw into the sweet, juicy, cash-vomiting nerd center of us all.  They’ve damn near perfected the not-quite-serialized movie by making somewhat related films that occasionally come together in a massive Avengers gorge-for-all-of-geekdom-plus-the-loved-ones-we-drag-with-us exclamation point. Guardians of the Galaxy is the latest in the franchise (if that’s even the right word for it), a kind-of-Avengers-related movie that looks like 16,000 kinds of fun. Seriously, I think I’m just going to have my paychecks forward to Marvel from now on.

Blu-ray Bonanza:

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 – Okay, so here’s the chink in the Marvel suit of Iron Man Armor. Sony’s first Spider-Man, lo, the many years ago (that is, 2002), was fabulous. And I suppose I didn’t hate The Amazing Spider-Man, even though I wasn’t convinced it was time for a reboot yet. But, honestly, I can’t help but wonder if Spidey would be better off being handled at the House of Mouse like all the Avenger properties. Especially because then we could have Spider-Man in the Avengers, too, and who wouldn’t trade a pair of Darth Vader underoos for that?  At any rate, I’m probably not dropping the cash monies to see Amazing Spidey 2, despite Emma Stone, because, well, you gotta draw a  line somewhere, and for me that line is where movies have too many villains.

Edge of Tomorrow – I’m not completely sure about this one. Even though I did enjoy Oblivion a fair amount, I’m still not sold on Tom Cruise as sci-fi-action-hero. But a military sci-fi version of Groundhog Day one definitely has my interests piqued, to say the least. But, you know, just not dropping-Benjamins-at-the-Cineplex piqued.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes – Honestly? This one’s predecessor, Rise of the Planet of the Apes was a bona fida solid film, and I say that even with James Franco, whom I tend to tolerate like one puts up with a rash in an unfortunate nether location. I expect Dawn to be even better considering that rather than Franco we’ve got a Gary Oldman, and who doesn’t love Gary Oldman, especially as the bad guy?  So I’ll definitely be queuing this one up for download the moment it’s available to stream.  But sadly, I just doesn’t quite make the cut into the “I must see this now”.

The Expendables 3 – Okay, so the first one of these was fun. The second one, though, was an sad display of “show me mo’ monies”.  Seriously, it even made the unicorns cry. So why on Earth are we looking at a third?  Just no.  No, thank you. But, okay, fine. I’ll watch in on DVD. Oh, wait. I guess that’s why they keep making these stupid things, isn’t it?

Jupiter Ascending – I’ll be honest, if I was still in my twenties and had the kind of expendable cash and free time twenty-somethings have, I’d totally hit this at the actual theater on some Hangover Sunday, possibly after an afternoon of couch sloth. But I’ve got 4 kids now and soccer responsibilities and exactly zero time for couch sloth and hangovers. Which means even less time to see awesome sounding yet potentially not perfect movies like Jupiter Ascending. I mean, let’s face it, those Wachowski people can deliver some slightly uneven films, on occasion. Nope, I won’t commit to Jupiter on the big screen, but I will promise to catch it at home, as soon as humanly possible.

Lucy – Scarlett Johansson as a “merciless warrior beyond human logic” plus Morgan Freeman? Yes, please. This one has Saturday night in the recliner written all over it.

Kiddie Table:

Maleficent – You can’t tell me they didn’t nail it with the casting here.  That said, I’m pretty sure I want to see this more than any of my kids will. In fact, I’ll eat my shoe if it doesn’t terrify my five year-old. I think this could be a solid Daddy-Daughter Date movie for me and The Princess Puddinette.

How to Train Your Dragon 2 – The first one was fantastic. This one looks even fantastic-er. Or whatever. The kids, the wife, me? We’ll be there.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – My poor children grew up in a world without Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles being a daily concern. Thankfully, this will be addressed soon. Let’s just hope this fills the turtle-shaped void in our respected hearts that was forged in the moment our innocence was destroyed by Vanilla Ice and his childhood-crushing ninja rap.

There you have it. My summer, laid out in movies. What’s on your list?

Pud’n

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*You know what I’m talking about, doncha?
**See what I did there? Monster, get it? Because Godzilla is a monster.  It’s a monster movie? See? See? I kill me.