Summer Movies for 2013 in, well, more than 100 words

I didn’t really intend to start a whole thing when I wrote last year’s summer movie preview post.  But the time went by and summer became fall, Halloween gave way to holiday fun, which then became cockle-shrinking, frigid, horrible winter. All horrible, overdone things end eventually, though – at least, that’s what I tell myself every time I see they’ve made another Hangover movie – and so winter became spring, and now, we teeter once again on the edge of summer.

Which means that it’s time for More. Summer. Movies! Huzzah!

As I looked over the list of movies coming out this summer, one thing became abundantly clear right away: there was no way in pink, puffy, Marshmallow-Land I could possibly give you 100 words about each of the motion pictures I’ve got checked on my “to see” card this year.  If I did, this post would scroll longer than a Beyonce contract rider*, and most of you would die of old age or extreme disorientation before you got to the end.  Plus, bed sores.

Well, I guess not everyone reads my blog on a tablet in bed. Can you get “office chair sores”?  “Toilet sores”?

Ahem.  Right.  Off topic. Rambling, even.

So, anyway, like I said, I’ve perused the list of Summer Movies for 2013, and right now I feel pretty confident saying I’m in the market for a second mortgage.  Because holy raining Benjamins, Batman, am I ever going to drop some serious greenbacks at the MegaUberCinePlex in the next three months.  Seriously.  Like, whoa.

First, it took a considerable amount of time and effort and self-restraint, but I managed to whittle down the list of Movies I Want To See™ to a list of Movies I Can Make Time For©.

Prime Movies for Me: Because I’m a big movie nerd at heart and I always will be.

Iron Man 3 (May 3) – Because, duh, it’s Iron Man. Also, while the initial reactions seem split, people whose opinions I trust are onboard. I’m in.

Star Trek Into Darkness (May 17) – Maybe I’m not such a huge fan of lens flare, but I’ll never miss a Star Trek movie.

Man of Steel (June 14) – You don’t NOT see Superman movies at the theater. It’s, like, a rule or something. Of course, I’ve heard a ton of moaning, kvetching, and fanboy tantruming that they’ve ruined everything by making a “darker” Superman following the Dark Knight trend. I say, give it a rest, fellow nerd people, and let the film people have their day. At least see the movie before you geek rage on it, okay?

The Wolverine (July 26) – I’m not going to lie to you, this one may end up relegated to the Blu-Ray bonanza list below (especially as I’d like to figure out how to get Pacific Rim from down there to up here). I lurves me some Wolverine, and I really think Jackman has done a tremendous job portraying the character.  But…it feels like they’re making Wolverine movies just to be making them now. If they’re going to make one, I want it to be (capital-A) Awesome. So, this better be so, Marvel.

For the kids: Because they see commercials and sometimes they earn fun time rewards for good behavior (e.g, not killing each other)

Monsters University (June 21) – We still watch Monster’s Inc. fairly often. Could this be The Attitude’s first movie at the theater?

Despicable Me 2 (July 3) – If you didn’t find the first Despicable Me original and funny, I’m not trusting you with my kids. Or my dog.  Hell, even my fish. You’re some kind of damned monster, is what you are.

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (August 7) – I have sons reading these books. Plus also, I’m writing books for this age range of kid. I‘m pretty sure that means I have to shell out the clams to see this (get it? clams? It’s a pun, see. You know, because of the sea. You know, sea monsters.  Oh, nevermind). Also, let’s hope they stick a bit more closer to the book this time. The Lightning Thief went too far off-text for my liking, and for not good reason.

Disney’s Planes (August 9) – If Monsters University isn’t The ‘Tude’s first theater experience, this will be.

Blu-Ray Bonanza: Because as much as I love seeing movies at the theater, I’m not actually made of either money or time. Also, these may not turn out to be “all that”.  Or a bag of chips.  So maybe we’ll just wait and see them when the Blu-Rays hits in October.

Pacific Rim (July 12) – Aliens? Huge robots to fight them? Um, yes please!

World War Z (June 21) – What’s that? A zombie apocalypse where the focus is the actual apocalypse rather than surviving the aftermath? Yes, please!

Lone Ranger (July 3) – I’m torn here. As a young kid, few things were as awesome to me as hearing “Hi, Ho, Silver!” But. I’m not sure anyone wants this movie. And while I heart me some Depp, I’m equally not sure why on this spinning blue marble they’d cast him for Tanto.

300: Rise of An Empire (August 2) – 300 was a magnificent piece of work. But I’m worried that without Zack Snyder and Gerard Butler the Spartans might be a little less, well, “This is Sparta!” and a little more, “This is a cash grab!”

There you have it.  As I said last year, that’s how my summer movie dance card looks. What’s yours look like?


*feel free to Google that one