I know this is going to come as something of a shock to many of you (although less so to the handful that know me and put up with my Puddiny-ness daily), but you’re about to see more change here at Puddintopia than a political candidate would be comfortable promising you in ten years. We’re talking more change than a career panhandler can accumulate even considering the twenty years he’ll spend getting dropped off and picked up at that social-economically prime corner near the interstate by a nondescript minivan as part of the tristate area’s premier corporate pan-handling enterprise.
Change. It’s what’s for dinner.
So here it is, brace yourselves. In fact, maybe you should take a seat. Because words and me? We’re finished. Through. Kaput. Dasvidaniya, Comrade Lexicon; I’m out.
What this mean is that you’ll get no more 1000-word blog posts here that are little more than meandering accounts of my lunch. No more wading through paragraph after paragraph of ridiculousness just to have me finally reach my pedantic point of the day, which, let’s face it, is typically something like “while pickle loaf is, without question, objectionable, I’d eat it before going all Alive on my neighbors. But olive loaf? I’m not intentionally consuming that unless you strap me to a time-out gurney and funnel-feed it to me, pureed by your fancy Vitamix blender like a revolting meat smoothie.”
Yeah, no more of that from me. I don’t expect too many of you to cry for me, Argentina-style.
This new word-free policy isn’t limited to just blogging, either. No, sir-or-madam. I am cutting ties with the OED completely, totally, and without reservation. No more novels, no short stories, no more haiku, limericks, or Suessian stanzas. And certainly no more “movie reviews in a 100-words or less”. I mean, really, let’s face it, I never once managed to say what I wanted in 100 words or less anyway. Every stinking entry had something like 200 words of lead-in and another 100 of summary after the italicized “review” part.
I should have just called the feature A Movie In a 100-Words or Less but Really 400+ Words, Aw, Hell, Just Watch The Film Your-damned-self.
And if you’re really curious, therein lies the problem with these pesky, contentious word things. I can’t ever make simple commentary on something in a couple of sentences and then get on with my life. No, those damnable words fly around my head like a cloud of no-see-ums in mid-summer, and descend in all their buzzing, attention-seeking glory the moment I put fingers to keys to make a twitter-short remark about the sharp, clean-feeling, wonder of having a newly glued-on hairpiece.
(Err, I mean, I’m just saying. That’s just a “For Example”. Not that I have any personal experience with male rugs fake hair. Of course not.)
See? Even for this post, when all I really needed to scribble down was “I quit,” I’ve instead somehow managed to make a traipsing journey through the human experience that includes references to pickle loaf, gnats, and The Hair Club for Men.
The long and short of it is that I’m an embarrassment to the millions of people out there that have somehow learned to express 100% of their opinions on the internet via a tumblr page filled with animated gifs when here I am fumbling with a near-endless string of unruly clauses, chained to thesaurus.com like some kind of sucker. So that’s it. It’s pictures from now on, people. That’s what this blog is going to look like going forward, and all the time and effort I’ve previously put towards building a career as a wordsmith will now be split between making Jello pudding pops (because screw you, Bill Cosby, why can’t I buy them anymore?) and developing my budding master skills as a picture book illustrator.
It is, then, from the depths of my inky heart and ashen, deflated soul, that I hope you’ll all enjoy the new Puddintopia. Henceforth, I’ll be treating you to one of two things here at my Pinterest-friendly portfolio site, either animated gifs of sparkly unicorns, or shots of my illustration works-in-progress.
Here’s just a taste of what you’ll be getting in the days to come, a page from my upcoming picture book, Bat and Weasel Go To Town (Release Date, 2/30/2015 from Ru Tarping Books, Pre-Order NOW!)
And, now, with all that said, what other words could I possible have to offer you?
PS: Don’t forget to check out my brand new Illustration Portfolio. I can guarantee you’ve never seen anything quite like it!