Today was a holiday. Yes, that means the kids were off school. Again.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly not holding it against Dr. King or anything. The man deserves his day. But based on the figures I scrawled together tonight while pouring myself a parfait glass full of Ole Slack-Jawed—which consequently, was the cheapest whiskey I could find at the liquor store on the way home from work—my kids been off school for something like 93% of the available weekdays since December 21st.
Between the holidays and Old Man Winter’s newfound desire to see most of the eastern and mid-western United States buried beneath a tomb of cold, powdery white flakes in 2014, the situation is becoming more and more tenuous. Tempers are running high. The kids, while normally not given to excessive bickering (that is, no more than I recall being the standard when I was a fresh-faced know-it-all) recently started sniping at each other as if Mixed Sibling Pointless Debate was a medal event in the upcoming Winter Olympics in Sochi.
I mean, it’s not, clearly. But if this snow day business doesn’t end soon, I’m going to be forced to fabricate a gold medal out of chocolate coins and gift wrap ribbon. Then, every day when the bickering gets to be too much, the Puddinette or I will chuck it into the middle of the floor, shouting out some inane topic to argue over, and then take cover (read: lock ourselves in the master bathroom with noise-cancelling earphones that we’ll pretend are plugged into the toilet or something we could actually listen to) while the kids debate such critical topics as:
- Which of the Seven Dwarves was the most “boss”
- Who looks the most like a monkey
- Who leaves the light on in the bathroom the most
- The best way to make Mom go insane
- Pokemon vs. Yugioh
- Who has the stinkiest butt
- I’m right; you’re wrong. Plus your teeth smell (everyone’s favorite)
The good thing is, we’re in luck. A quick check of my phone’s weather widget informed me that it’s apparently going to begin snowing at any moment, and continue hourly until the End of All Things. Or at least until someone makes a Superman movie everyone likes.
No, seriously. I looked at this thing a wept for all humanity. It needs to be a feature on Buzzfeed with some kind of click-bait title like, “The 11 Things Most Likely To Make You Want To Scoop Your Eyeballs Out With A Mouthwash Bottle Cap This Winter”:
So, yes, my friends, yet another day of Snow-More, For The Love of God, Please Stop! (simple terms like ‘Snowmaggeddon’ are so 2011) has arrived. Please make a note of it. It’s expected to be followed by a recurrence of everyone’s favorite stone-chilling winter event, the polar vortex. In other words, it’s going to snow and then drop to temperatures even penguins turn their beaks up at.
Now, I beg of you, try not to panic. If, however, you absolutely must make a frantic trip to store for supplies, take my advice. Skip the grocery. The milk is gone anyway, the bread is crappy, and no one really need eggs that badly. Hit the liquor store instead.
Because if Ole Slack-Jawed can’t see us through to the end of winter, 2014, well, I don’t reckon anything’s going to.
Also, I give up.